OSMAN, synan bryan

[synan bryan osman]

synan bryan osman, *

twenty six . musician . synyster gates

birth to school years,
his parents were very unconventional to say the least. his mother, hailing from a very islamic family in turkey, had been on a scholarship in germany, being as he parents were of a wealthy stature in her home country. while away at school, she met a young christian man and they almost instantly fell in love. still, love or otherwise, it was against the practice of both churches. still, they kept their romance alive in secret, not bothering to inform either family of their relationship. however, when asya - his mother - found out about her pregnancy, she knew that she would no longer be to keep the secret from her parents. after a long, hard visit with her family, they managed to convince them that her soon to be husband, gustav, was not a bad guy and that everything would work out fine.

still, her parents disowned her nonetheless. gustav’s parents were slightly more supportive and offered to help care for the child, but only because it was the christian thing to do. they lived in germany during her pregnancy as she attempted to finish school. however, she was cut short of finishing her junior year when their son came early, forcing her to put her education on hold and stay at home to raise their child. however, while she stayed at home with a new born child, gustav finished his masters in business and the study of foreign culture and language. syn was almost three by the time his father had finished up his education and was working on finding a job. home life was great for the small family, everything was going smoothly. not exactly as planned, but things could have been much worse.

and they did get worse. it took two years for gustav to find a job that was steady with a decent pay. the only problem is that meant pulling synan from his schooling in germany and moving clear across the globe to san fransisco, california for a job that involved foreign relations. obviously, he took up the job and began the long process of taking his family across the globe.

this caused much stress between the young, still unmarried couple. they were bickering and arguing more often over the silliest of things. syn, being only at the age of five, was unable to comprehend what was occurring with his parents and wasn’t able to understand that this arguing was the beginning of a very quick end. his parents never bothered to get married, they never bothered to play house for longer than a year in the states.

elementary years,
syn was fatherless within six months of living in california and his mother was left stranded with a six year old son and no one to help her. gustav had met someone new, someone far more attractive in his own opinion and someone that he cares more for than his own son. he left his family behind for a hot young blond with a fake chest.

syn never saw his father again and, quite honestly, he never saw his mother again either. she quickly became a violent soul, drinking to drown her sorrows and throwing herself into the underground world to somehow pay for everything she and syn needed. nonetheless, she still used him and her alcohol addiction as a way to vent her anger about the situation. when she was drunk or high, she was constantly beating on her son, blaming him for all of her problems and using excuses such as “if you had never been born, your father wouldn’t have been obligated to stay with me and i wouldn’t be in this mess!”

his school life was affected just as dramatically as his home life. he became the outcast rather quickly. he dropped out of football when he was still in elementary school and regrets that decision even to this day. still, with his outlet for aggression gone, syn became the angry child everyone learned to steer clear of. step in his way and he was bound to break some bones. he can’t remember how many times he was in the Principle’s office for one thing or another and every time he was there, his mother would show up with her “i’m hungover, but i’m pretending not to be face” and act like she truly loved her son, which, even to this day, was a filthy lie.

middle school years,
a change of scenery meant very little to synan. even though he was in a new school surrounded by new teachers and some new students, his attitude on life never changed. he was still the same old, angry young child that was constantly getting into fights and finding himself in the Principle’s office. Even then, the same old story occurred. His mother would show up due to a phone call from the front office and she would show up, pretending to be the perfect moth and show the school faculty her perfect side, the face side, the one that never existed at home unless she had wanted something from him. finally, he had given up on his mother all together. if she was not going to start changing now, then he would have to start adapting. he had to learn to distance himself from his mother and that he did. he put as much distance between her and himself as he could. when things started to go even more south, more beatings and less and less civilized talks, syn turned his bedroom window into his front door; coming and going from it as he pleased and only seeing his mother once in a blue moon.

there were always the days when she got a hair up her ass and decided that she wanted to track down her son for some kind of payment for his being born. still, as he got older, she soon realized that her much stronger, taller son was beginning to out shine her and she began to resort to emotional abuse. calling him names and treating him as though he were the scum of the earth. this damaged him more than the physical beatings. not only did she kill his spirit, but she altered his entire being. he was no longer synan. he was officially syn, the kid that hated more than he loved and the kid that was as likely to punch you in the face as he was to return a greeting. soon enough, people left him alone completely and, quite honestly, he had lost all companionship with everyone.

still, there was this kid. this one kid that, even though syn had distanced himself from the human race, managed to weasel his way into syn’s mind as more than just another breathing creature. even though they had never spoken to one another, syn still felt the desire to know this boy. there was something about him that drew syn’s attention and that was more than enough to get syn to open up his small bubble and extend it to the shy, weird child that people avoided, much like himself.

from the beginning, syn simply watched the other boy from afar and used his well defined ability to pick people apart to decide on whether or not this kid could be his new companion. finally, after several weeks of deciding, he came to the conclusion that he was worthy of his attention in ways that didn’t involve harsh comments or a quick fist. it was a step for synan, to walk outside of his comfort zone and be... kind to someone. jovany - was the kids name, jovany kordell - was that first step in helping syn get over his problems and his fear of people. sure, it made him understand even more so that his own life was more fucked up than he could imagine (due to jovany having such a perfect home life of his own), but it was helpful, nonetheless.

jovany’s home became syn’s home rather quickly. he can’t recall exactly how it happened, but he remembers being dragged to jovany’s house one day after school, even before they were really friends, and being accepted by his mother. that was exactly what synan needed: acceptance.

and somewhere between the long nights, just laying around in jovany’s room, and the days at school... they became best friends.

syn doesn’t remember much from that time... other than the fact that he spent very little time at his real home and soon, jovany’s house became his safe zone. they became brother’s and syn quickly adopted the name ‘mom’ for jo’s mother. she was everything his mom wasn’t: sweet, kind, considerate... loving. she was everything syn wanted in a mother and more. still, there were those stretches of weeks at a time where syn had to go home by his mother’s order. those weeks were more hell than he could begin to describe. she would threaten to turn him in as a runaway - which he was - if he wasn’t going to come home. then, she’d get so drunk that she’d forget about her threats and syn would disappear again, only returning home for clothes when he knew his mother wouldn’t be there.

on his fourteenth birthday, syn had received the best gift anyone had ever given him, even to this day. he remembers that day almost as vividly as yesterday; it was that life changing. his ‘mom’ had given him a key to their home and a bedroom to call his own. to this day, syn still has that key burried in his closet and he thinks about it often. he thinks about how perfect that gift was. that was the last day in syn’s life that he remembers being truly happy and he wishes beyond all wishing that he could feel that happy again.

after that, things looked up for him. inside his mind he thought, “things couldn’t get worse, so they can only get better.” he knows now that he was very, very wrong. still, before anything more emotionally wrecking took over syn’s life, his relationship with jovany turned into that of brotherhood as syn tutored his friend in the ways of living. his ways of living, at least. he wouldn’t stand to watch jovany sit back anymore and watch the world pass him by. no, instead, syn took him under his wing and taught him everything he could. (of course, there were some things that had be learned by experience and syn was not about to force jovany to walk the road of despair). it bonded them more closely and soon, they were very similar in almost every way. they became the dynamic duo that took the school by storm, forcing anyone to back down if they got too close. they were fearless and frightening to those who didn’t know them and that... that was no one. no one knew syn or jovany the way they new each other.

high school years,
high school was only worse for syn. he was more different than the rest, sitting mostly to himself - besides jovany - with an acoustic guitar in hand while he slowly began to work on his inevitable body art. it started with silly tattoos that meant nothing to him to ones that he would be glad that he got years from then. his first tattoo that meant the world to him is the “VII” tattoo behind his left ear. it marks the grade that him and jovany met and, even though he didn’t tell jovany this immediately, it signified his love for his friend. yes, his friend. they were never fated to be more than that and that was okay with synan. sure, they got along well, but it was best to keep their relationships platonic.

he was fifteen when he got his first girlfriend. she was new to school and much like himself: loud, opinionated, and more than just a little sarcastic. it started with one of those ‘elementary school play ground fights’ where words were exchanged and the moment she shoved him... syn couldn’t help but ‘fall in love’. it must have been a weird sight for those who were watching... it went from the new girl walking to her death by ‘talking to the weird kid who punches people for looking at him wrong’ to a full on make out session in the middle of the hallway.

that relationship didn’t last long, however. not after syn found out that she was a closet britney spears fan and her piercings were fake. “i just wanted to be different, synan. i wanted to start a different life at a new school.” when she showed up without him one morning, wearing her pink sweatshirt and her n’sync shirt, everyone laughed at him for dating the prep. doing his best to brush them off, he remembers getting suspended for a couple weeks for breaking several faces.

sixteen was supposed to be a ground breaking year, according to hollywood and every kid in school that had yet to turn sixteen. however, it wasn’t ground breaking for syn in the way that he was hoping. he can’t remember feeling pain like that... it was by far one of the worst moments in his life and that’s saying quite a lot. he remembers standing beside his ‘mom’s’ hospital bed, holding jovany’s hand tightly in his own as he watched her slowly deteriorate. he had never felt so helpless before and all he wanted to do was fix her. all he wanted to do was make jovany smile again, but he didn’t have the power for either of that. his mother - their mother - was dying.

the day she died... syn will never get over how hurt he was and how absolutely devastated jovany looked. he never wanted to see jovany look so... broken ever again and, quite honestly, he knew he wasn’t much better at reigning in his emotions than jo. the day she died on the family couch is a day that’s marked something terrible in his mind. next to valentines day, that date is still the worst day of his life and his least favorite of the year.

after her funeral, their relationship took a whole new dynamic. he can’t remember who initiated it, but that’s besides the point. that night, they turned to each other for comfort. they needed to know that they were still needed, still loved, and that everything would be okay. with the death of michelle, syn’s life was back to square one. he was forced to return back to his mother permanently and that was the worst thought that he could ever imagine. jovany was his savior that night. although their encounter was not exactly 'loving’ it was still proof that he still had jovany and jovany still had him.

still, syn will say that it was the best sex of his life. he’d never felt so comfortable in someone’s arms before and, even now that he’s been with a multitude of men and women , jovany is the only lover he’s ever had that he can say surpassed all the others. it was one of the only times that syn had given up control in any situation and just let jovany have it all. he let jovany take him that night and it was in that moment that their futures were secure. syn knew from the moment their sexual encounter started that that was all it would be: sex. he didn’t want a relationship out of it - he didn’t want to hold hands and go on dates. he wanted jovany to stay his friend. he was glad that, even though it was never spoken, it was understood.

they never spoke of it. a silent promise that, no they didn’t forget that it occurred, but they will never speak of it again in fear of ruining the magic of what it was and ruining their friendship. the last thing syn wanted was to destroy the last true relationship he had.

after the death of michelle, syn had gone home, not being able to stay in that house after her death and the fact that jovany would not be able to keep the house by himself, try as he might. his mother hadn’t even realized he was home until a few weeks after syn had come back. it was a rough reunion filled with drunken rage and a few slaps aimed his way that he managed to block or dodge, which only made her more angry. syn remembers spending the night in the park down the street on that night, only returning in the early morning to get ready for school by using his bedroom window as both his entrance and his exit. and that’s how it stayed; he never used the front door anymore. he was only going through his window and spending as little time as possible at home.

when jovany met andrew, syn was happy for him: if not a little skeptical. syn was rather jealous of andrew, to put it lightly, and for reasons that you most likely would not expect. it wasn’t because of jovany, not in the slightest. it was because andrew was a football player. oddly enough, syn was very jealous of the fact that andrew was living the kind of dream that syn would never have because he had dropped out of playing when he was a young child. syn always wanted to be a football player and when andrew came along... it was like shoving that fact in his face.

still, syn was happy for him. that is, until things started to get... weird. syn’s skepticism escalated after the two moved in together and he wanted desperately to talk jovany out of it, but what else was he do to? jovany had no where to go and syn was not about to let jovany anywhere near his home with his mother... so he sucked it up and let it go. he allowed him to continue on in a relationship that he knew was not going to be healthy for anyone involved. to this day, he wishes that he had said something because maybe... maybe things would have been better for jo.

still, he knew things were not getting any better for his best friend. quite frankly, he knew things had gotten much worse when, right in the beginning of their junior year, began to avoid him like the plague. he never told anyone, but the very idea of jovany wanting nothing to do with him killed him inside. however, his confidence told him that there was something forcing jovany to do this, that it wasn’t just a random decision. because of that, syn took it upon himself to figure out what the fuck was up.

when he stormed into jovany’s shared apartment with andrew, everything made sense. he never brought it up and never tried to talk with him about it. instead, syn just gave him a silent reassurance that, even though he was at his weakest moments, syn understands. “i’ve been at lows before too, jovany. that doesn’t mean you have to fucking hide from me when you get into your lows. so don’t you dare fucking hide from me, ya hear?” that was the end of it. syn would never judge jovany in hopes of hopefully having that curtesy one day if it was needed.

little did he know that it would definitely be needed.

graduation to black sunshine syndicate,
after synan graduated at the young age of seventeen, he was forced to stay in his mother’s home for a couple more weeks until he turned eighteen. however, just before he had turned eighteen years old, he had met a young college student. his name was tyler and, as far as syn could see, tyler was absolutely everything syn wanted and more. he was easy to get along with, openly gay but not flamboyant, and more than willing to help syn get out of the shitty situation he was in when it came to living arrangements. syn wasn’t dating tyler for more than two weeks when the offer to live with him came up and, without even thinking about, syn obliged and moved in almost immediately moved in with him after he turned eighteen.

at first, everything was perfect. syn was falling for his new boyfriend at record speeds that he wasn’t even aware of the signs he was being given. tyler was, by far, not the man he thought he was and it was slowly beginning to become clear. however, syn was so blinded by his new found love that he couldn’t even begin to see past the honeymoon phase that he was in to see all of tyler’s flaws.

it all started out with tyler doing his best to keep syn busy and at home most of the time, tyler’s need for control shining through not too long after syn had finished moving in. syn had become a house wife of sorts, cleaning and cooking and making sure that tyler was comfortable after he came home from school. it took a few weeks for syn to convince tyler that he could take care of the apartment, him, and have a job that would pull in more money to help them live one. syn was quite glad when tyler gave him the okay to go out and get a job, a construction job.

things were well between them for a couple months, just enough time for syn to slowly begin to fall in love with tyler. the first time syn said it to him, however, was when everything changed in their relationship. suddenly, tyler wasn’t the sweet, innocent lover syn thought he was. instead, during the middle of their ‘making love’ when syn moaned the words ‘i love you’ was when tyler became the bastard that syn remembers vividly. all he remembers from the rest of that encounter, was it was very painful and he nearly blacked out more than once. it was and still is the most painful sexual experience he has ever had in his entire life.

the next morning, tyler had pretended that all was well and that it hadn’t happened. as much as syn wanted to talk with him about it, he knew better. he knew that if he brought it up it may inspire a repeat performance and he had just spent the last hour in the bathroom, cleaning himself up and telling himself that it would never happen again. he wouldn’t let it happen again. because, as much as syn wanted to say he didn’t want that kind of sex... he knew it was going to come again. he knew that tyler would repeat that night over again... it was just a matter of time and syn was not about to bow out of their relationship. not when he had no where to go and when he really did love tyler.

the next time something happened, syn was cooking tyler dinner while he sat out on the couch, watching the game. syn desperately wanted to be sitting out there with him, his own beer in hand, and also watch the game, but he knew that if he didn’t get dinner done by seven, as he did every night, it would not be pretty. tyler had a temper, syn knew this and if things were not exactly how tyler wanted it when he wanted it, there was a lot of yelling and some things being thrown before he would disappear into the bedroom and leave syn with a mess to clean up and a couch to sleep on. so, instead, he got over his need to watch the game and went about making dinner, only being interrupted whenever tyler would scream his name from the living room and hold up an empty beer bottle. and each time syn would grab a new one from the fridge and replace the empty one in his boyfriend’s hand.

this time, however, was much different.

as syn walked around the front of the couch and took the empty beer bottle from his hand, he placed the cold, freshly opened beer in it’s place and was about to turn around when tyler caught him by his wrist and turned him back to face him fully. “on your knees,” he remembers him saying flatly and syn returning his look with a defiant glare. that only earned him an freshly open beer being thrown at his face. syn managed to duck, but still got most of the beer poor across the top of his head and down his face. “so pretty when you’re wet,” he heard tyler say before dragging syn down to his knees in front of him and causing syn to drop the empty bottle onto the hardwood floor, the bottle shattering as it did so. that was, without a doubt, one of the most ingrained images inside syn’s head to this date. he remembers being choked maliciously as his hair was being torn from his head, the dire need to breathe fresh air causing him to panic as the smell of come, sweat, and beer invaded his nostrils.

when tyler was done, he zipped up his pants and looked at the clock. “it’s 6:52.” he said as a warning before slapping syn hard on the ass as he walked back into the kitchen. syn through all of his hard work into the sink and pulled out a box of mac and cheese, flinging it together quickly before dropping a bowl on the coffee table for tyler. “thanks, babe,” the sarcasm in his voice made syn want to pop him in the mouth a couple times. “now clean up your mess.” syn looked at the broken beer bottles and screamed bloody murder before storming out of the room, a deadly, amused smirk place violently across tyler’s face as he ate his macaroni and stared at the game. “and get me another beer!” he yelled just before syn slammed the bathroom door shut.

syn spent the rest of the night curled up in the bathroom by the toilet, alternating between puking and shoving a toothbrush down his throat to get rid of the fowl taste of both the vomit and tyler’s come. quite honestly, he had never been more disgusted with himself. why hadn’t he fought back? why had he let that happen? oh, right. because he loved tyler and tyler was using that against him in every possible aspect of his life. now, he had even gone as low as he to using it to force himself onto syn and... syn didn’t exactly hate it. he just hated himself for being so... okay with the whole thing. he... liked being used.

after that, the sexual abuse only got worse. soon, there was no preparation for syn’s part at all. tyler would just come home and take syn wherever he damn well pleased, completely dry and... syn learned to be okay with that too. he learned to accept the fact that tyler was using him. quite honestly, he learned to love the fact that tyler was using him. soon enough, he was able to take the pain that tyler was inflicting on him physically and morph it into a masochistic form of pleasure. it took some time, but when tyler finally realized that syn was no longer feeling the pain of his attacks, of fucking him dry, he pulled away all together. suddenly, syn was no longer getting any sexual attention at all and that was enough to drive syn crazy. not long after that, tyler began to love him in bed again, treating him like gold and syn would have to beg for tyler to fuck him roughly and syn never begged. that was stooping to a whole new low for syn and that was when he started to draw a line.

the loving didn’t last long, however. syn started getting the upper hand when tyler could no longer love syn in bed. tyler wasn’t like that and it was only a matter of time before his drive to be a dominant bastard took over again. syn felt like, for the first time in their relationship, he had won and, in some rights, he had. he had gotten the sexual relationship that he craved back.

from that point on, guitar playing became syn’s only outlet for the general weakness that he felt. even thought he loved the sex, he also felt weak because of it. he felt weak because tyler was in complete control when it happened. he felt weak because tyler could - quite literally - bend him over in the middle of a wal-mart and syn would be powerless to stop him. syn would do absolutely anything for him and that was a weakness within itself. syn wanted to leave tyler behind, but he was powerless to do so. it’s not like he was stuck in this relationship, he had a job of his own and money of his own, but he just could not nbring himself to leave tyler. he was, for all intents and purposes, his everything.

THE CAMERAS ARE GONE AND NOBODY SCREAMS
couldn't survive fifteen minutes of fame.

skye . [e-mail] . six years .