we're all just victims of a crime , *

[jovany vance kordell]

jovany vance kordell

house full of roses, a letter on the stairs, a tape full of messages for anyone who cares. collage of broken words and stories full of tears, remembering your life cause we wish that you were here.

---

february 23, 2011

i am lost. i am lost inside my head and stuck with a a past i can't let go of. i want to let it go. i want to be whole for tricks, but i can't; i'm too crazy and too broken to be whole.

i want to be unafraid for him, to be unafraid of him. i want to be able to care about him, to seek comfort in his arms. i want to be able to love him. i want to be able to take him, to give myself to him. sadly, the last one seems almost impossible. i can't even do that for syn, but maybe if i could, if i did, it would help tricks and i.

i gues i just want to be able to love him, to give him all of the things that andrew never let me have. i want to be for tricks everything that andrew wasn't for me. it upsets me that i can't give him everything. that's where andrew and i are different. he took away my world, where i want to give it all to tricks, plus the moon.

i'm still scared, though. i'm scared of tricks being andrew and i'm scared of becoming andrew. he's in everything that i do, but i really wish that he wasn't.

[/color]