Post by synan bryan osman on Feb 20, 2011 8:29:55 GMT -8
I WON'T STRUGGLE ON
IN A WORLD SO COLD
IN A WORLD SO WRONG
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love is fragile. i'm not exactly sure where that thought came from... but it kind of stuck with me. it's been repeating in my head for a while now and i figured that maybe if i write it down and attempt to expand on it, it will go away. i hope it will go away. love... is not something i voluntarily think about. bad memories and all that. maybe it's becks that's making me think this way? i've been thinking a lot about all the possibilities that we have an it's... fuck, i can't even get a full thought out! i'm so frustrated with myself. why is it that i can't just fucking let him go?! not becks. never becks. i'm too selfish to give up something so perfect. why can't i fucking give up tyler?! he's in every part of my life. there is nothing that i do that doesn't involve a thought about him. what would tyler feel about me doing this? what would tyler do if he caught me doing this? what the fuck would tyler do if i don't get this done on time? oh... that's right, beat the fuck out of me before violating me in ways that can't be legal!
i just want him to go away... i want him to be out of my mind for the rest of forever and leave me the fuck alone. i fucking want this to work! i want this to work with becks. i'd do anything to make that happen, but i just... fuck! he needs to go away. far, far away. i can't... even think that he's still out there somewhere. living his life. what if he's doing the same thing to some other poor, weak bastard? ... what if that bastard isn't weak at all? what if... tyler actually loves him? oh god... i did everything for him and yet... i got nothing in return. nothing but crazy sex drive and hate for the word "love". nothing but all sorts of abuse and the dire need to feel the companionship he never gave me... that's why i sleep around. because every time it's over, there's always a small, brief cuddle session afterward that gives me the illusion that i'm cared about. still... things you should never say out loud. anything that shows a weakness is one of them.
dying to feel loved? cared about? needed? that's a weakness.
