the art of subconscious illusion , *

[beckett anders pollack]

beckett anders pollack

trying to regain control, i experience and learn in another faction of my mind. so confused, but everything makes perfect sense. can’t feel the pain. emotional pain’s so much deadlier.

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february 14th, 2011
it's valentines day and my head is spinning. i, for one, love this boxed up, corporate made, joke of a holiday. i love it and everything that it stands for. it's the one thing that my mother did and she did it big. she loved it just as much as i do. it was a sort of christmas in my house and nothing was bigger than valentines day. i learned to love all of the cookie cutter hallmark cards, the generic candy, and the nearly gag worthy amount of love that floated through the air. valentines day was, is, my religion. this is what i live for each year.

syn hates it. actually, syn just hates anything to do with love. so, for the first time since i was five years old and old enough to understand the holiday, i won't be going all out. this year i made my standard bags of candy for the guys, syn included, because he gets on every year, but that's all i allowed myself to do. i did not deck my house out in an insane amount of valentines decorations. i refused to buy flowers of any kind. syn would hate them. i told myself not to make dinner reservations at the best restaurant in las angeles, and i definitely did not plan to make some fancy dinner. i flat out refused to do anything related to the holiday in fear of sending syn into some kind of anti-love frenzy. i would hate to see all my hard work just go to waste, like i'm sure it would.

it bothers me that i seem to be the only person in the world who loves valentines day. it bothers me that i also seem to have found the one person who hates it as much, or more, as i love it. it doesn't seem fair that i have to ultimately kill my all time favorite holiday just so my boyfriend doesn't work himself into a tizzy. he would. i know syn. he'd choke and splutter and grumble out unintelligible things until he got so tired fo staring at it all that he would leave and then i'd be left with all my hard work just staring me in the face, mocking me.

instead of going out and buying food to make one of syn's favorite meal, i'm sitting here, writing to resist the urge. if maybe i get all of my frustration out, then it won't show later when syn comes over. we'll order pizza and drink cheap beer and do fuck knows what, because i have absolutely no plans at all. if i made plans they'd probably make syn cringe. so, i'm just going to walk into this one blind and hope to the god i don't believe in that something goes right because it is valentines day and i can't stand to see this day go to waste.. especially when i'm falling for syn. hard.

[beckett anders pollack]

february 15th, 2011
sometimes i wonder if syn is just too broken for me to fix or if he's just too stubborn to let himself be fixed. i hate that: fixed. that's ridiculous. no one can be "fixed," simply helped. i want to help syn, but.. sometimes i wonder if i can even do that.

this was a stupid idea. i never thought about the consequences. what if this all goes to hell? i'll lose the band, my friends, my family, my boyfriend. i'll lose everything. i'll be empty inside and what's the point of being alive when you have nothing left to live for?

syn became my life way too quickly. if only it were possible to put a block on emotions, but you can't. i can't help the way i feel about syn. it was like it was inevitable. the moment i started looking at syn as more than just one of the guys, something changed. i was falling, and i was falling hard. i could really love him one day.

that scares syn, i can tell. it makes him wonder about my alterior motives, makes him think that i'm going to pull a switch and turn out to be some horrible person deep down. but i'm not hiding anything. he doesn't know that though and he's going to do everything he can to tell himself that i'm going to hurt him. that's syn's thing. he doesn't want to be hurt. but neither do i and maybe that's all i set myself up for.

did i really think that i could be the one to change syn? i can't. he's too stubborn and too convinced that he's broken and that everyone is the same for me to even get through to him. he'll never believe me. he'll never believe that the only reason i'm with him is because i want him. he's too selfish to think about what i want. but he's too good of an actor. i'd have no clue he was an emotional wreck if he didn't let me be even this close to him.

but i'm a pretty good actor too. no one knows my past, my pain. i'm too happy to have problems, right? of course. no one knows what i've done, where i've been. maybe we're too broken for each other. if syn leaves.. i know what i'll do and i hope it finally makes him realise that not everyone is out to get him. too bad i won't be around to find out. i'll be long gone by then. gone from the band, gone from the guys, gone from las angeles, gone from the world. gone.

so, hit me with your worst synan. i'll be here until you tell me to leave. then maybe you'll be sorry. then maybe you'll care. but just remember syn, i could have loved you and that's what you gave up: something real.

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[beckett anders pollack]

february 15th, 2011
i figured that i might as well get this out there, in case it's actually needed. it's best to be prepared, i guess.

* - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - *

berk, tricks, jovany, syn -

if you're reading this it means that i've finally done it. i've been at it for seventeen years, but i've never actually succeeded. well, i guess i have now.

i'm sorry it came to this. i really am, but after seventeen years, it's finally over. it's not that i was suicidal, i just had these tendencies. the way i grew up, my life mattered to no one and i never learned the point in being alive.

i tried the first time when i was seven. the world was too big for me. too cut throat and uncaring. i couldn't handle it or the responsibilities. i was in charge of my mother's children. i fed and clothed and housed them. i never went to school, i was busy growing up for that. the only thing i was in charge of in my life was my life. i had the power to end it's pointless existence. i tried to, six times.. i guess i never wanted to die bad enough.

now, without syn, i lose you. all of you. this puts the band at an outs. we're in shambles, guys and it's all my fault. it takes you all away from me, my family. i could never survive without family, it's where i come from. i can't take losing my family like that. without you guys, life really does mean nothing. i mean, since we formed black sunshine syndicate, i hadn't tried once. that's my longest stint without an attempt, so one had to have been building up, i suppose.

i'm sorry i'm leaving you all like this. i really am, but i just couldn't do it, not without you guys. you all and the band became my reason to be alive and for the first time i was actually apart of something, but now that it's all crash and burn.. i just can't be here any more. i'm sorry, guys.

the seventh time is a charm.
becks pollack.

remember. i love you all. forever and always. and this isn't goodbye, it's just see you later. we'll all meet again one day. i promise.

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[beckett anders pollack]

february 20th, 2011
the similarities between syn and i are far and few between, but when they show up, i rather wish they didn't. he refuses to bring anything up that could potentially be "controversial" unless he's sure of what will happen and i do the same because i'm afraid of setting him off.

let's be honest, here. syn has the temper of a bull and it.. it scares me. damian was angry like that. he knew the perfect way to tear me down, to make me feel three inches tall. that's how syn is. not to me or the guys, but to everyone else. i don't want to become that "everyone else," but it seems so simple to do. just, push the wrong button and he goes off.

i want to murder the boy who did this to syn. yes, the boy. no man would treat someone like that. ever. i want to murder the boy who caused me feel afraid to be myself around my own boyfriend. i mean, this is supposed to be the person i feel the most comfortable around but half the time i'm scared to speak and the other half i'm scared to act. i don't want to upset him.

this is wrong.. and i don't know how to fix it. i guess i just have to be stronger.. braver.

[beckett anders pollack]

february 22nd, 2011
i've figured out what could possibly be worse than all of the emotional bullshit i went through. see, at least then i was valid. at least then i knew i existed, that someone actually took time out of their day to say something to me, horrible or not. but now.. i feel invalid. i feel pointless again, worthless. why am i here?

i'd take the names over this. i'd take back the yelling and the pitiful, empty feeling in a heartbeat if it meant making this go away. i don't know why i'm here. i don't know why i'm with syn.. why i'm falling for him. i'd take his worst over the ignorance. at least then i know i meant something to him. now.. i'm just here and i don't know why.

syn can deal with his shit in whatever way he needs to, but why can't he come to me, just once? i mean, i am here. i know what it's like to have a past you can't let go of. but no, it's drugs and alcohol that keep him comfort, not me. never me. so why am i here? why am i with syn? what purpose do i serve him? does he even like me? because i'm fucking clueless. i feel like i'm here for no reason at all.

i've drank more coffee this last month that i have in the last three years. i've been suicidal thought free for the last three years, but now i'm sitting here, writing about how fucking worthless i am so i don't get up and grab a knife from the kitchen since i can't find my blade. there's something wrong with this picture, but i can't fix it. i can't make syn need me no matter how much i want him to.

so, here i am, trustless and unneeded, but falling for the one guy who seems to be killing me. is this it? is this what i've earned after all of my hard lived years? is this all i'll amount to? worthless. what a fucking life to live.

[beckett anders pollack]

february 26th, 2011
yesterday, my life changed. i think it was for the better. well, at least, i hope it was.

i finally had sex on my own terms. i finally allowed myself to do it. i finally wanted it. for the first time ever, i said yes and meant it. i've had sex one other time in my life and it was.. consensually non consensual. i said yes, but didn't mean it. in my head i screamed no the entire time. i hated every moment of it. it was rape, but i condoned it. this time.. this time i wanted it. i screamed yes, out loud.

going into this relationship i gave myself two conditions on sex. one, i had to want it, be okay with it. two, i had to be in love. i have no idea how the second one came to be, but last night, in the midst of joking around, something clicked.

i am in love with synan osman and life is great.

i know he might not love me tomorrow, or next month, or maybe even next year, but i am in love and that's the greatest feeling in the world to me right now.

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